Adaptability: Part Five: Living with Losing My Money

This is such a sore point in my story of adaptability, because I don't believe there is a real adjustment for middle 'classers' like me who lose it. I am able to get way past the business loss, and way past the house loss, because those two things don't flaunt themselves in my face everyday. But the loss of my money... it's a constant gnawing in your head, in your soul, in your pocket and in your life, every minute of everyday.

I want to clarify something right up front. This is not about wanting things. This isl about insecurity and fear. This is all about the nagging worry that won't go away. Not feeling safe is like having a sword on a slender thread, dangling over your life. The fact is, our income is not stable, which is to say, it fluctuates. E commerce is very much like that. One day is great, another day is good, and other days bring in zero. This is a very unnerving way to live, but it pushes you to work harder, always, especially on those days when nothing is coming in.

What I have noticed is that even when we have a good earning day, or a couple of good earning days, the worry still is there. I know that's because every day's income is different and unforeseeable. But I also think that this state of worry has become so ingrained in my psyche over time, that it's now just an uncontrolled reflexive response, and that is so sad and exhausting.

We live in survival mode. Anything above and beyond what we need, if purchased, takes its toll somewhere along the line: a pot of mums, a magazine, a bottle of wine, a lottery ticket. That's how we think. Guilt for the simplest things. Thank God, I've never been a spendthrift nor a shopaholic. The only time I resembled that kind of person was when I had the money to pay for whatever I wanted. I was never, ever, in debt. I always had the money in my bank account to pay for what I bought.

Today, I employ the same rationale. I use my bank debit card instead of credit. The only difference is of course, there is no disposable income to play with, so the expenditures are for the basics. Every now and then, I have to use a credit card and I make sure its a card where I get points, or a rebate, and it's also important for your credit record to keep at least one card active, or so I'm told.

In my financial heyday, I was able to amass quite a lot of clothing, which I hoarded over the years. My taste was classic, tailored and sporty, and for the most part, would always be wearable for years to come. So I have kept the best, and given away the rest from time to time. Most of my wardrobe is Italian and heralds from the late nineties when I was in Italy with my husband, at least 7 times. Most of the outfits don't fit me now, but I have no intention of getting rid of them. On a much lesser level, during those financially free days, I bought some expensive jewelery by a well known designer, David Yurmin. I bought a lot of his bracelets, a watch, a couple of rings and necklaces. I also have a sizable collection of costume jewelery as well.





The point is, I remember very well, back then, that I would tell myself, that all this was going to end one day, and I would be glad that I bought 'timeless' pieces when that time came. And I was absolutely right! It wasn't that I knew enough to shop for mean and lean times to come, but I was obviously wise enough to appreciate my good fortune while it lasted. And for that I'm grateful.

The irony however, (and there always is a 'kicker') is that I have no need or place to wear the clothing or the jewelry today. Working from home creates a very casual lifestyle, and entertaining is a family get-together, for the most part.

Because of our constant money shortage, I have found myself perceiving everything around me differently. For instance, I notice store closings whenever we're in the car, and a sense of sadness overcomes me for the story behind the 'Liquidation Sale' sign. In the past, I probably just wondered what wonderful new store was going to replace them. I look at women's magazine advertising in a different way as well. Instead of the pleasure of admiring high-end fashion, jewelery and make-up, I now view it as excessive and exorbitant. If this sounds like sour grapes, it isn't. Everything takes on a different value when you don't have disposable income.

I confess, I look at people differently too, in particular my family and girlfriend. My older brother is very comfortable and his family lives between a beautiful home in Toronto and a beautiful home in Miami. If you ask him how he's doing, he'll complain about his business, his monthly credit card bills and the upkeep of his horse. I wince a lot in his presence. He is a chip off my father's old block, who happens to be very comfortable in his old age as well. At the age of 89, he and his lady friend live in Miami and he is still able to navigate the high seas. I'm not kidding. As we speak, he is in the process of rebuilding his sailboat from the hull up, and is about to embark on a 6-day sailing trip to some islands off the north end of Mexico for a month! Long life to him.

My mother, on the other hand, long divorced from my Dad, lives here in Toronto in a lovely retirement home in the heart of the city. This is during the late Spring, Summer and Fall months. Winter time is spent in Miami in a condo that my brother bought for her a number of years ago. My father provides for her of course, but not nearly well enough. She is 87, still looks unbelievably beautiful, and deserves so much more, yet requires so much less, which is what she will tell me whenever the subject of money comes up.

My younger sister, like me, is struggling too. She has 3 children and currently is not married or involved with anyone. She has a full time job in advertising and makes a very decent salary. But she lives in the center of town where the rents are much higher, and employs a part time nanny for her youngest son, and leases a second car for the older children. Because her expenses are high, her salary barely helps her to meet ends. She and I are soul mates now, commiserating in our misery and finding comfort one each other's shoulders.

My girlfriend and her husband have fallen on harder times too. He lost his business a few years back, and they have had to adjust their lifestyle somewhat. So they cruise less often and enjoy their swimming pool more. Everything is relative, isn't it?

You know what a lottery ticket means to us? It's a chance to dream. I can't help it. Lottery results are announced at 11:00pm. We never check until the next morning. My husband says it's because we would be up all night if we won big. I prefer to wait for a different reason....so that I can fall asleep imagining. Which is not to say we haven't enjoyed talking out loud, about what we would do if we did win big.

My husband is the most generous person I know, truly. So when I tell you that we have agreed to split the winnings down the middle, so that he has his, and I have mine, it is not out of generosity so much as a difference of opinion of how much to spend and how much to invest. One very important point though, we do agree on. We would continue to live in this wonderful rented house, and possibly buy it at one point, if available, and we would not buy a second car. It's a step in the right direction, no doubt.

We don't spend more than $4-$6 a week on lottery tickets, and if that amount affords me no more than drifting off to sleep with visions of sugarplum fairies dancing over my head, than it is well worth it. Those fairies are designing and planting an English garden in my backyard; they are wrapping themselves in new, luxurious bath towels, sleeping in new 600 thread Egyptian cotton bed sheets, and then donning new bras and underwear when they wake, because right now, those are the simple pleasures I envision.

After all is said and done, I don't live in my dreams. I live in the reality of being able to pay our bills and debt, buy our groceries and gas. There is no money for luxury, savings or emergencies. We live carefully.

If there is one saving grace(no pun intended), it is not about coming to terms with less money. It is about what starts to happen as you get older. Thankfully, you start to want less. The hunger to buy and to have bigger and better lessens with age. My mother was and is a perfect example. I noticed this happening to her when she was my age. She was never a big spender, ever. She always bought what she needed, whether it was a blouse and skirt, or a bottle of perfume. Whereas I have always had a collection of perfumes, my mother, would have one bottle only, and when that was almost finished, she'd buy another, usually the same fragrance: Bulgari. Beyond her frugality though, my mother started to give my sister and me little things years ago. 'I want you to have this purse, sweetie. I don't use it anymore'. Or, 'Would you like this ring? I want you to have it'. Whatever it was, it was in perfect condition. That's how my mother kept her things. And it was her way of ridding herself of too many material possessions, and what better way than to pass them on to her daughters.

This 'make do' attitude is happening to me as well. I'm sure its a combination of both the age factor as well as the money issue, but more and more, I too want to divest myself of a lot of the 'stuff' that has accumulated over the years. And yes, there is a little bit of a hidden agenda at play. Living in a rented house has to mean that someday, we may have to move again!!!

So, in the long run, the money woes are aided by the fact that I don't want more anymore; in fact, I want to divest myself of most of it, and if we have to move again, that's a good thing. As for the day-to-day money woes....just like the Duracell bunny, they keep going and going and going!