WILL I EVER MAKE A 'COMEBACK'?

Yesterday, my husband and I treated ourselves to a movie in a real movie theater where the price just happens to be cheaper than other mainstream cinemas. We saw "Ironman". I always had a thing for Robert Downey Jr. ever since I first saw him in "Only You", a 1994 film with Marisa Tomei. That particular movie had some romantic fluff stuff that obviously appealed to me back then. Ironman was fine, not super special. The special effects were incrediby high-tech, which got my husband's attention, so that's good, because he usually refers to movies of this genre as 'cartoons', meaning, they have no resemblance to real life. During the film, your attention is riveted to the action but when its over, its' over. You walk out of the theater with very little to ponder about the story itself.

But I did think about the fact that Robert Downey Jr., like a host of celebrities, in all areas of entertainment, have been making comebacks this year. Careers in hibernation are seeing new lights on the horizon. Everything old is new again.

So why can't I have a 'comeback' too? Surely you don't have to be rich and famous to do so, or am I wrong?

I've read several articles lately on how baby boomers are re-inventing themselves in their 50's and 60's. Many are empty nesters; many are now widows or widowers with the rest of their lives still ahead of them, and many are newly retired, seeking new skills, and new careers.It is very apparent to me, that this segment of the baby boomer crop are well off, with enough money socked away to allow themselves the luxury of choice.

I am not in that league. But I'm a Baby Boomer, right? I should be in that league. I am that generation, where everything was ours for the taking. Work was what we thrived on, and independence was what we breathed. Success at the top was what we strived for and attained. We were and are the the wealthiest, living generation.

And I did all of it. I moved out of my parents' home when I was 18. I started working that same year during the summer. I graduated from university with a B. A with a major in theater and psychology. I supported myself financially throughout my entire life. I opened my own business (a private Montessori school) and ran it successfully for 25 years. I enjoyed great monetary success at the height of my career and remembered to invest chunks of it every year. I've been and am married, I bought the beautiful house and traveled wherever I wanted. I had the golf course, the jewelry, the clothing and the car.

So how come I have relatively nothing left. How come I no longer have the freedom and the luxury of choice? Why am I stuck? I made my mistakes, but didn't everyone else?

And what about people like Chris Gardner? Remember his story in "The Pursuit of Happyness". He came out of nothing and became a self-made wealthy, wealthy man. He did it and countless others have done it. So why can't I?

I think I know why. I lack passion. I think passion is at the crux of my problem. Passion is the driving force behind every successful person. And without it, its hard to make your dreams come true.

I didn't grow up dreaming and wanting to be the owner of a private Montessori school for 25 years. I never even wanted to be a teacher! I grew up in a home and in a generation where getting a job and paying your own way was the expected thing to do.
I grew up in a home where going to university and getting a degree was the expected thing to do. Nothing along the way really ever inspired me. Well, that's not really true. I wanted to be an actor and to sing professionally with all my heart. So, at the tender age of 18 I applied and was accepted as the first Canadian ever, to work as an acting apprentice in Summer stock theater in New London, New Hampshire. I also immersed myself in Theater and acted in musical productions during my university career.And I was talented. I got rave reviews, and I LOVED IT!

So what happened. I finished university with a degree in hand and I thought about getting a job, so I could move out of my parents' home permanently and be able to pay my rent. Montreal and Toronto were not cultural cities back then, and the only place to go and make my dreams come true was New York. And that, for me, was the most implausible, unrealistic and scary idea I could ever think of! I was 20 or 21 years old. And I didn't have a clue about surviving in a strange city like New York. Neither did I have a clue about surviving in my own city, on my own, but it obviously seemed like a safer bet.

I'm going to veer off track for a moment to make a point. I saw another movie on DVD lately, "Lions for Lambs" with Robert Redford. In one scene, a college professor (Redford) implores a young, privileged, brilliant student not to give up on his class, nor life, but instead to participate in making the world a better place. Redford continues to plead with him, saying that being in your twenties is the best time of all, when all your ideals, beliefs and dreams are at their freshest, not tainted by the years ahead. And that those years ahead changes everything. Nothing will ever feel the same or be the same once life takes its hold. Now, in your twenties, you can have it all, do it all, be it all. WATCH THIS CLIP!
So there it is, and there I was. Not participating in the life I had dreamed of having, and maybe, could have had, back in my twenties and into the future years.
That dream was built on a passion that was alive in me only as long as it was convenient. And that same kind of transient passion flares up every now and then for something that I want to have, want to do, but never about what I want to be. That's because now we're talking about a different kind of passion, one that burns from the inside out, that no fear of the unknown, could ever contain. I missed out on that kind of passion.

I don't believe that passion is genetic. You're not born with it. It is something that is inculcated and ingrained in you by your parents and environment. And it is continually nurtured with guidance and praise and inspiration as you grow up. You are taught to follow your dreams, and the money will follow. You are taught to believe in yourself. You are told that you can accomplish anything and everything your little heart can dream of.

But I didn't grow up that way. My father was too busy providing for a family, and my mother came from a home where her mother wouldn't allow her to take gym with the other girls, because she was afraid that she would hurt herself! My mother became a dreamer, not a pursuer of dreams, and thus the generation of women in my family were and are doomed to follow the path of least resistance. At worst, we are accomplished hobbyists and dabblers. At best,we,the daughters, have had successful careers.

Grown up with no money. Not a good combination at all. Passion doesn't even enter the picture when there's no money. The only dream you try to keep alive is the ability to put food on the table and pay your rent. And that is what Robert Redford meant in the movie: if you don't act on your passion in your twenties, that raging fire becomes glowing embers and then finally, soot. Life happens, and it changes you. Your priorities shift and you become a sheep to your needs instead of a wolf howling with passion.

I grieve for my lost passion. I truly understand what George Bernard Shaw meant when he said: 'Youth is wasted on the young".

And yet, I am a baby boomer survivor. I am filled with optimism and faith. I reserve my dreams for the nighttime and I spend my waking hours in 'comeback' mode.